This has been an interesting year for me. I’ve had a sense of something big coming, but have no idea what. In an accelerating rush, the last four months have continued the process that began on 4th September 2010, the deconstruction of my life.
I trust life. I trust my intuition. I know that things unfold as they are supposed to unfold. This sequence of events has taken my faith and stretched it beyond any recognition.
First was home. With the first of Christchurch’s major earthquakes came the physical embedding of what had previously only been intellectual knowledge: even the ground under our feet is uncertain. Through the months that followed I began to catch the edge of a sense of purpose. With the changes we face every day, in every country of the world, I was called to demonstrate living well with uncertainty.
Next was family, first leaving our 16 year old son behind in New Zealand when we moved to France in 2011; then ending our 26 year marriage soon after moving to England in 2014 – the divorce was final in September, just six weeks ago; next month, on the 1st of December 2015, I say goodbye to my 19 year old daughter as she, too, returns to New Zealand to live.
Now work. I began a new career in 2012, writing books with experts, drawing out brilliant content in interviews and forming that content into inspiring books. I loved it. I was good at it. I still am. But for whatever reason, what had been a continuous stream of projects has dried up. It’s time to move on. Again, this feels right. There are lots of things I could do to generate more of this work, but something has changed. There are some people I would love to work with, to whom I am powerfully drawn, but at the moment that’s not happening, and looking around for something to fill the gap just isn’t me. When something is right it is obvious. When it comes I will know.
Now home again. With no new work for four months, money is running low. I haven’t paid my rent since September, and although I’m in frequent conversation with my landlords, that situation is unsustainable. If something doesn’t change by the end of this month, I will have to give notice and move out. Kind friends have been feeding me. My daughter puts fuel in my car so I can drive her to work. It’s amazing how little I can live on, and how little I actually need to do.
So that’s it. Things seem to be spiralling down to a crunch point on December 1st. Alex will go. I will come home to an empty house which may or may not continue to be mine. I have no work to do, no partner, no local friends who rely on me. Life has collapsed to a nothing point, a point of creation where anything is possible.
Watching this happen has been an awe-inspiring experience. I’ve spent much of this year in deep meditation, looking life in the face, avoiding nothing; deeply, powerfully feeling the impact of all of it. I know a deep new philosophy is forming as I follow a profound, compelling train of thought.
For the practicalities, I keep tuning in with my instinct. Is there anything I need to do? Anything I should do? Anything I can do? The answer is no. Let it unfold. All is well, have faith.
I am healthy, full of energy. I have a beautiful network of friends spread across the globe. I look and feel as good as I ever have in my life. My spiritual and emotional awareness is highly and precisely tuned. I’ve written a book this year, and that is beginning to show promise of being something special. And behind that, something new is brewing.
I was born with an outrageous sense of destiny and a strong drive to achievement. With the level I aim at, I have the sense of having achieved nothing at all in my existence so far. Now I sense Life is about to call me, show me what my purpose is, guide me to it. With nothing now holding me, I am ready, willing, open, to move into swift action when the call comes.
Jennifer Manson is the author of Truth, about finding, speaking and living our own personal truth, Easy – Stories from a effortlessly created life and six novels, also on the theme of living our truth. Available from Amazon and all major eBook sites.